Last Saturday, I had my first experience of appearing on a live radio show, to talk about our work at Women Returners. Although I’m very comfortable with talking to all sorts of audiences about what we do and why we do it and have had a small amount of media training, it was still daunting to be appearing live on a public broadcast. But I did it – and enjoyed it!
This experience made me reflect how easy it is to stay in our comfort zones, generally, and specifically how remaining in our comfort zone can be a barrier to a finding a way back to work. There are many things we know we ‘should’ do which will help with our return (and this blog is full of ideas and advice) but if these things feel uncomfortable and difficult we make excuses and don’t do them.
Three zones not one
It is useful to think about three zones of experience. In your comfort zone, you feel safe and unchallenged and possibly slightly bored. In your stretch zone, you feel slightly unsafe and nervous and there is also some excitement at doing something a bit different. In your panic zone you feel out-of-your depth, scared and unhappy.
What might you be doing that keeps you in your return to work comfort zone?
– not calling a former colleague to arrange a coffee
– delaying putting your LinkedIn profile online
– filling your days with chores, volunteering and looking after others
– not putting yourself forward for a strategic volunteering opportunity
– not going to events or conferences in your area of interest
How can you move into your stretch zone but not your panic zone?
Sometimes we need something or someone to give us a push to do something that takes us out of our comfort zone and into our stretch zone. This was certainly true of the radio interview: I hadn’t actively sought the opportunity but when it came along I decided to go for it. As I reflected on the experience, there were quite a few things which helped me to make the move out of my comfort zone, without going into my panic zone, which will be useful to in your return to work activities:
- Small steps. This first interview was with a small local radio station, far from where I lived so I didn’t feel my reputation was at stake and nor was it a ‘make or break’ opportunity for the business.
- Mindset. I decided to treat the interview as an experiment and an opportunity to learn. This mindset made it possible to be open to the experience and not judge myself too harshly on how I performed.
- Realistic expectations. Alongside my mindset, I chose to set my expectations at a reasonable level for me. I didn’t have to be perfectly fluent in the interview, I could be ‘good enough’. It was OK to make mistakes because I would learn from them for next time.
- Preparation. Even though I only managed to do this at the last minute, I spent the journey to the studio writing out bullet point answers to the questions I was expecting to be asked. Having thought through what I would say in advance and having my notes in front of me gave me focus and helped me to stay calm. I had also listened to the previous week’s programme so I had some idea of the format of the radio show and the style of the presenter.
- Enlist a buddy. Sharing the experience with Julianne made a big difference. I wasn’t alone and I had someone to give me a boost if I needed it.
- Celebrate success. By acknowledging that I had achieved what I set out to do, it reinforced the possibility that I could continue to stretch myself. It is great to know that I will never face my first radio interview again!
Posted by Katerina – Co-founder Women Returners
If you want to listen to the broadcast, click here
* AAT, 2013
Many returners believe
that being older makes them less appealing to employers. Geraldine Bedell, former editor of Gransnet,
co-founder of The Family Innovation zone and author of Mothers of Innovation outlines
government data and other research which firmly rebuts this view and provides
encouragement and insight for returners.
often acknowledged is that the extra years haven’t all been tacked on at the end.
They’ve gone into the middle. Many of us are contemplating lives that look
vastly different from those of our mothers, let alone our grandmothers;
anticipating a phase of life after child rearing that is healthy, mentally
competent, energetic and prolonged.
have skills, energy, judgement and competence that make us useful to the world
of employment. It’s fair to say, though, that employers have taken a long time
to realise this. Even as changing demographics open up possibilities for different
life stages, we still assume that key career progress has to be made at the
very time we are most preoccupied with small children.
that diversity is the key to successful teams. It may have taken them a while
to realise that diversity includes age but they are doing so now, and for good business
reasons: it has been estimated that there will be 13.5m job vacancies in the UK
in the next 10 years but only 7m young people will be leaving school and
workers are now known to be unfounded. A recent guide from the Department of
Work and Pensions* insists that older workers:
- are just as productive as younger workers
- are just as successful in training and learning
- take less short-term time off sick
- offset any loss of speed – with technology, for
example – with better judgement
- are just as likely to commit to an employer
break assume that technology and ways of doing things have moved on. That may
be true – but management of technology and of colleagues is a skill, and the
point about skills is that they can be learnt, often remarkably quickly. There
is no reason to suppose a woman returner is going to be much slower picking up ways
of doing things than someone transferring from another company.
increasingly acknowledging – is a lifetime of skills, experience and wisdom.
Increasingly, brain research is showing that what we have traditionally called
wisdom is a demonstrable function of the older brain. As Barbara Strauch observes
in her book The Secret Life of the Grown-Up Brain, we have ‘an increased
capacity, as we age, to recognise patterns and anticipate situations, to
predict a likely future, and to act appropriately.’
intergenerational workforce find that there are benefits for both older and
younger staff, including opportunities for mentoring and an exchange of skills.
The recent appointment of Ros Altmann as the government’s champion for older
workers should help; and the demographics are in our favour. But the most
important thing is that older women returners bring masses of experience,
skill, discernment and sophistication. As Eleanor Roosevelt said: ‘A mature person
is one who doesn’t
think only in absolutes, who is able to be objective even
when deeply stirred emotionally, who has learned that there is both good and
bad in all people and all things.’ Lots of reasons to be confident, then,
because that’s a pretty valuable set of attributes.
The book The Confidence Code, by two US journalists, highlights a phenomenon that many of us know from our own experience – in general, women tend to be less confident than men. Although the book is written from the perspective of working women, it has useful insights and ideas for women returning to work after a break, when our confidence is often at a low point.
The authors have gathered together and reviewed the research into this topic. Highlights include:
- A 2003 study by two university psychologists which showed that women consistently under-rated their performance in a variety of maths and science tests while men over-rated theirs. In reality, the performance of both sexes was on a par
- A 7 year experiment by a Manchester Business School professor on her students which found that men expected to earn much more than their female colleagues – and believed they deserved to earn more than the women believed
- A Hewlett Packard study which found that women don’t go for promotion unless they feel they have close to 100% of the required qualifications while men go for it with only 60% of what’s required
There are many explanations for the disparity in confidence levels – the confidence ‘gap’. As you would expect, they include genetic makeup (brain differences as well as hormones), upbringing (for example, what is termed ‘bossiness’ in a young girl will be described as ‘leadership’ in a young boy) and cultural factors in societies and organisations.
So women are, once again, at fault for their lack of progress?
Commentators including Amanda Duberman at the Huffington Post have objected that the idea of the confidence gap is – once again – putting the blame on women for their apparent lack of progress in the workplace. The objectors suggest that inequality is caused by workplace sexism, not women themselves. This is a similar argument to that levelled at Sheryl Sandberg and her Lean In project. In my view, based squarely on my experience as a coach and former corporate professional, the reason women are held back in the workplace is a complex mixture of both workplace culture and certain female characteristics. What The Confidence Code and Lean In offer to women is an opportunity to reflect on our own contribution, to identify where and when we are being our own worst enemy and to identify actions we can take to close the confidence gap. Returning from a break, it gives a push to apply for the job we want even if we’re not 100% qualified and to negotiate for a higher salary rather than feeling grateful and accepting the first offer!
Practical ways to build your confidence
Fortunately, discoveries in neuroscience and psychology show that it is possible to amend our thought patterns to build confidence and self-belief: with time and practice we can tune down self-critical and doubting thoughts and reinforce more supportive ones. See our previous posts on:
- tackling your inner perfectionist
- toning down your inner worrier
- being a work-home superhero
- recognising if you are being a martyr
- reducing self-critical thoughts
- over-ruling the ‘shoulds’ guiding your decisions
The common thread through all these posts is an emphasis on action. In the book, Richard Perry, a psychology professor at Ohio State University describes confidence as ‘the stuff that turns thoughts into action’. By taking action we give ourselves the opportunity to discover what we are capable of which builds our confidence and this in turn encourages further action. A virtuous circle is created and confidence accumulates as the brain replaces old thinking with new.
Posted by Katerina – co-founder of Women Returners
factor inhibiting women from returning to work after a career break. Often, we express this loss of confidence in different ways such as ‘I’m too old’ or ‘My work can’t be done flexibly’ or ‘There aren’t any jobs in my field ‘: this blog will be addressing these specific potential barriers in other posts.
- Finding activities that express us as an individual, rather than as a carer or partner
- Enhancing our knowledge and skills. It is possible to find out about interesting and useful courses through the internet, a local library and adult education colleges. Talking to previous work colleagues can be reassuring: they can suggest relevant literature to read
- Becoming more familiar with new technology. Computer shops, community centres and colleges all run courses or a young, tech-savvy neighbour might offer tutorials for a small fee
- Asking for feedback, on our strengths and things we are good at, from the people who care about us. It is easy for them to assume that we don’t need feedback because we appear to be managing everything very well
- Acting confident. Sometimes, our thoughts and feelings can follow from our actions, so by acting confident we start to feel it
- Spending time with people who support us and help us to feel good about ourselves
- Ignoring that critical voice. This can be easier to say than to do, but it is important to recognise how unkind this voice can be. Would we allow a friend talk to us this way? If they did, would they remain a friend? Learn to be kinder.
However we go about rebuilding our confidence it is essential to remember that it can be a slow process, but every small step that we take will accumulate over time until we are ready – and eager – to return to work.
Posted by Katerina – co-founder of Women Returners.